Andy Borowitz: How to Talk to Your Child about Jamie Lynn Spears
Advice from a University of Minnesota Expert
A guest column by Davis Logsdon, Chairman of the University of Minnesota's Dept. of Psychology:
As a prominent child psychologist and the father of two tween girls, I have grappled with the same problem that many parents are facing today: how to talk to your child about Jamie Lynn Spears. While this is an issue that every parent must navigate for him or herself, here are some questions that your child is likely to ask, followed by the correct answers.
How did Jamie Lynn Spears get pregnant?
According to her mom, Jamie Lynn was a good girl who always respected her curfew and girls like that usually don't get pregnant. So the answer is, no one knows.
Could Kevin Federline have made Jamie Lynn Spears pregnant?
No. This is one of those rare instances when someone got pregnant and Kevin Federline was not involved.
Now that Jamie Lynn is pregnant, will Zoey, the character she plays on Nickelodeon, get pregnant, too?
No. Remember, Jamie Lynn is a real person and Zoey is just a made-up character. Plus, Nickelodeon is owned by an angry old man named Sumner Redstone who doesn't let people get pregnant. So there is absolutely no way Zoey will get pregnant. Instead, Zoey will get cancelled.
Could Hannah Montana get pregnant?
I thought we already went through this. Hannah Montana isn't a real person. She's a character played by Miley Cyrus.
Okay, then could Miley Cyrus get pregnant?
No, because her dad's always around and he creeps boys out.
Are the girls on Disney's "High School Musical" pregnant?
No, the girls on Disney's "High School Musical" are not pregnant. They have been too busy posing for naked pictures on the Internet to get pregnant.
If I pose for naked pictures on the Internet, will that keep me from getting pregnant?
It couldn't hurt.
Andy Borowitz writes a humor column at www.borowitzreport.com and is the author of a new book, The Republican Playbook.
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