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Will Durst: The Top Ten Comedic News Stories of 2007
Okay. Just so you know: the Top Ten Comedic News Stories of the Year are as different from the Top Ten Legitimate News Stories of the Year as Peppermint Mini Marshmallow Froot Loops are from porridge. For instance, the Pakistani government transition didn't make our list. Why? Because it has the humor quotient of cider-vinegar footbaths. Except for President Musharraf's first name being Pervez. Short for Perv? Prez Perv. Nice alliteration there. But funny? Let me think. No. Subprime mortgage crisis? Yeah, right. Rusty nail through the bottom of your Reeboks funny. Myanmar, Virginia Tech, you see my point. So let's go my route. Here are the stories of ‘07 that were the most lampoonable.
10. Jimmy Carter called President Bush the "worst president ever." And by the very nature of that statement, that would have to include… Jimmy Carter. "Worst President Ever," by Jimmy Carter. That can't be good. Like having your drug intervention hosted by Lindsay Lohan.
9. David Petraeus, the Surgin' General, said Iraq looks more and more like America every day. Apparently they want us out of there too. Claims the government is paralyzed by petty partisan squabbling, so maybe they are getting the hang of a western-style democracy.
8. Hillary Clinton asked the public to help pick her official campaign song. Here are some additional suggestions. "The Theme from Shaft." "It's Too Late, Baby." "Devil with a Blue Dress." "She's Cold as Ice." "The Bitch is Back."
7. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad demonstrated the concept of free speech in America. Both he and Bush at the United Nations on the same day. Think of it: a religious fanatic who sponsors secret prisons and has antagonized the whole world and an Iranian, both addressing the General Assembly.
6. Rudy Giuliani tried to espouse traditional family values on the campaign trail. And the fact that he's had three wives just means he's extra-traditional. The Christian Coalition threatened to form a third party if Rudy Giuliani becomes the Republican nominee. Wonder what they'll call it? Too bad "the Taliban" is already taken.
5. Karl Rove and Attorney General Alberto Gonzales both resigned. I'm thinking the only reason he kept supporting Gonzales is because "Attorney General" and "Alberto Gonzales" both start with AG, and it was the only way he could remember who was filling the position. Like a mnemonic device. Karl Rove: proof positive that the Devil and the Pillsbury Dough Boy had more than a passing acquaintance.
4. Mitt Romney tried to run a perfect campaign. Looks like he's been dipped in a polyurethane bath. Flip-flopped so much he's in danger of triggering a Stage-Four John Kerry Alert. His campaign ads should close with, "I'm Mitt Romney, and I both approve and disapprove of this ad."
3. Paris Hilton was offered community service, but the community declined. Q. What's the difference between Paris Hilton and Scooter Libby? A. 23 days.
2. Dick Cheney's Chief of Staff Scooter Libby was fined a quarter million dollars which was paid for by the Scooter Libby Defense Fund, which you and I know as… Halliburton. His 30-month sentence was then commuted by President Bush, who apparently is not just the Decider, he's also the Commuter.
1. Idaho Republican Senator Larry Craig isn't gay and didn't quit. He may be homosexual, but he is so not gay. Like a Rorschach blot of not gay. Said he was entrapped. Cop must have worn some fetching footwear. Italian design, really shiny and the laces were perfect. Should have gone with the Restless Leg Syndrome defense.
Political comic Will Durst expects an even better list in 2008.
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